Every day as an OT I get weary and tired parents in my office. For all the right reasons but also for all the wrong reasons. Right reasons being that parenting in itself is rewarding but tiresome and each day you battle to keep them alive (their job is to make this as challenging as possible) and to use many moments as a teaching lesson, filling their emotional tanks, keep them developing, strong and healthy.
However, the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" has started to become just that, a phrase, and not an act. Your village is starting to be as big as you can pay for, which is a heartbreaking fact . There are lots of reasons for this and that discussion requires an entire blog. How many people have the resources for a village? So we are left with weary and tired parents and that’s bad enough when you have a symmetrical developing child. I have adopted this terminology instead of ‘normal’ development because what is normal really? This terminology of symmetrical and assymetrical development by an insightful warrior mom who got it from another mom who works in the child development profession. These children who are not all developing in a linear predictable way land up seeing me (most of them are only lucky enough if their parents can afford someone like me to add to their village) This is something that needs to change. The truth is that although not developing symmetrically isn’t ideal it’s not this part that places the stressors on the parents or makes them exhausted but rather the context/environment around them that has increasingly become obsessed with ‘normal’ and perfection. Classrooms, social gatherings, family gatherings and playgroups often times instead of embracing and supporting the parents point out where children don’t fit or lag behind (I get it is from a place of wanting to help and inform parents) but we need to take a village approach and offer suggestions about how we can be of support for these challenges.
There is nothing wrong with asymmetrical development just meaning that your areas of development grow at different speeds but at times might be a little stuck and it can be significantly frustrating, confusing and difficult as a little human-being trying to figure it out and in the midst of experiencing it, they don’t need others exclusion, frustrations and judgment. As a parent of this child they can’t always explain to those around them because they are figuring it out themselves and often feel overwhelmed.
Tip:
To you, Mom and Dad or any other village member, my advice is “make your circle bigger” and to be the soft and warm place for your child to learn because your children already know which areas are developing slowly and they don’t need another experience to point it out, they need a space safe enough to practice the skill and at times fail at the skill as well as a place to fall apart when the stressors are too much and for you to be there and say "I am here and we love you". I understand how hard and confusing it all is. I know you are tired and exhausted but place whatever reserves you have in placing boundaries and manageable expectations from the outside world. Empower yourself with knowledge so you can educate them about your child and maybe you can convert them to being a team member, rather than the opposition, because you just won’t have the energy to engage with the opposition and you don’t want it to be used up with only this aspect. To each person who has the potential to be part of a village, give them time to figure it out, be supportive, but most of all refrain from judgment. For example, if a child is learning to walk, you would offer a hand or move all the things he/she could hurt themselves on. So offer a hand with social skills, give then a reading crutch, place them around friends who will "get" them and encourage them, instead of hurt them with words. Most of all find a place in your world to make this little-one shine. It might be different to what you are used to, but oh so rewarding.
Comments